Thanks everyone for responding. I thought my topic was deleted so i didnt check in.

You know.. I realized in past year that life is all about family, close friends, good time and enjoying in any way we can.
I want some facts to be straight. I didnt have friends since my mom left to united states in 2005. I wasnt socializing with anyone. As much as it didnt bother me at all, this was as normal for me as for someone to hang out every other day. For me it was normal not to hang out and not to have friends. I didnt understand how its like that people can meet up, talk, joke, support each other. It bothers me so much that after 27 years on this planet I realized that i dont have anyone. Nobody asks how am I. Nobody remembers me. I lost so many people along the way because I couldnt keep them near me. Im very limited mentally and as much as it didnt bother me before it does now.
After i got myself into unexpected relationship in mid 2017 till end of 2019 many many many things changed in my head. If it wasnt for this girl I would probably be still online, on forums posting nonsense, fake things trying to make myself feel good. My life for the most part was build on lies online and now i see how much time i wasted there for nothing. at the end of it its all gone, nobody cares what i posted there. Im here today, alone in my apartment living the same routine. Im scared a lot about my mental health, about financial situation and future work. Social life as well that doesnt exist at all.
Right now im a human shell that cries almost every day, few times a day. I wake up with tears and go to sleep with them.
Before i got into relationship i really thought money is the key to be happy. In my world it would mean buying things just to show off online, get some meaningless reputation points. I cant believe i was excited about this nonsense. Im trying to make sense whats possible for me... If i had a choice to go to sleep knowing i wont wake up I would do it without hesitation. I was recently writing will and good bye letters just in case. After i experienced love with the most amazing girl i ever came across in my life things never got the same for me. Being me ended it for us and i never got over that. Its like i wanted to be with her but i knew im not enough and it hurts to this day. she was amazing, loving and tried to make it work. me being in my comfort zone screwed ut up. i want you guys to picture someone who lived under the rock for most of his life and now this person is thrown to live the life. its me and i have no idea how to function. i have so much hate for who i become, so much hate for my family, especially my mother. every kid deserves a parents but not every parents deserve kids. its like we never were broke, had food on the table but my family wasnt ever there for me. for this reason i have no feelings to anyone at all. the only person i still love is my ex who also struggles in life now and it affects me too.
in the end i dont know what to do. it bothers me so much to realize how much of my life has gone without anything being accomplished. how many great people that could be my friends are gone forever. how many great memories are gone. every single day in next weeks will be the same. mentally im so stuck for change. its like i want to go out there make friends but i cant. i have nothing to say and it wont work without saying anything. it bothers me that i probably wont be ever able to create healthy family or relationship with any person. im so afraid its not possible for me.
i dont know how therapy can change anything for me.