I read this book yesterday... about how you can become whole after being shattered. And it had all different examples of experiences that make you... well, shattered.

When parents treat you bad / ignore you, you develop a bad self-esteem and are unable to let people love you.

Then it had incest. I am a possible survivor of incest (I'm not sure whether my memories are real, there aren't enough of them, I don't know the details, etc... just waiting for the courage to tell my T so we can sort it out. Anyway) and in this book it read that it is the most horrible thing that can bedone to a child. That you should rather kill your child than do something like that.

Now I feel like I should have never been born anyway.

I have pretty contradictory feelings. My father is no longer a threat, I don't even remember when he was. He seems to be genuine at times and I wonder if I'm just imagining things. Even if I imagine them, I feel bad anyway. And if he did do those things to me, then he must hate me a lot for keeping me alive. It's eating me alive even if it's not real... Feels crazy.

This is just a rant I felt like sharing.. I'm not a threat to myself, but maybe a burden to the ones I love. Now that the memories have started coming, they haunt me 24/7. I'm just trying to put the pieces together for now...

thanks for reading.

katie