Hi Everyone,
I have discovered a month ago that I have experienced childhood emotional neglect.
I realized the many ways this neglect has created patterns of behaviors in my life. One of them is the doubt that I have about myself, and my feelings. Because of that I tend to worry whether I love my partner. My partner and I have been long distance on and off for the past 4 years. Last year we spent most of the time together due to covid-19. But now we are back to being long-distance, although we are planning to move in together in the next 9 months.
I know I love him
I have no doubt of myself, and consequently I have no doubt about my love for him. But when I am sober I tend to overthink everything: about whether I am capable of love, about whether I truly love him, and whether my feelings are true. I start wondering if I am truly honest, because all my life I have been dishonest and manipulative to feel less lonely.
All my life I have been unaware of my feelings, of what I really want. It is only been in the past two years (I am 25), that I started to listen to what I want, and who I truly am (without the subconscious programming).
My partner and one other person (a friend) are the only ones that I have secure attachment with. When I am with them I am just myself.
Sometimes the programming that was done in my head comes back to hunt me. I start wanting attention of other men, but never for genuine reasons. One recent occurrence was because the setting seems "romantic" like in Hollywood movies (paired with the fact that the person is attractive). I feel butterflies in my stomach because the moment feels like something straight out of a rom-com. These rom-com based butterflies can arise with my partner, but recently they have occurred with random people.
I know that my partner is the one because I love him for the fact that he is him. I love his energy and what he brings to the table. But sometimes, when other men fulfill the societal expectations that men should be, I feel attracted to them. The attraction (like the rom-com butterflies) is not based on what I find attractive, as I have come to discover by getting to know myself in the past 2 years.
Another factor is that I like to be desired by men. And I know it stems from the fact that all my life I felt rejected by men. I felt lesser than others, and not worthy. Feelings desired brings me "peace", and fills some of that void.
But this is extremely destructive for my relationship with my partner. And also other women. sometimes those men can be the significant other of a loved one (friend). This makes me feel so uncomfortable with the people I love and feel like I am a bad person.
I told my significant other all of this but he thinks I am just making excuses for what I TRULY wants which is according to him, be with other men.
I know it's not the case because I have no reason to look for other men as I have already someone I love and care for, someone I want to share my life with (him). My conscious and my subconscious mind are telling two different stories about my feelings.
I am just sharing all of this as I would like to receive advice/comments, and know whether someone experienced something similar, and how they went about fixing it.