katie... i am glad your alive! i understand about the conflicting feelings... my dad and several of my abusers told me how much they loved me... and many things they did express genuine care... was that real? and if so how could they do the things they did... well... i have come to the place that i believe that they may have loved me...but were so sick and perverted that they didn't or were not able to choose healthy ways to express their love... they were too selfish and thought only of their needs... they used me to meet their needs... i was a tool... but the truth is... i am not a tool and i didn't deserve to be used as one... it's about them and their perversions not you... please take gentle care... lyn