You know... i dont know how to live next 50 years when past 15 years of my life were wasted. I miss so much human interactions but at the same time im not able to keep anyone close to me. This thoguht hurts so much. This reality. Im trying tp gp outside, walk, try to enjoy anything but being alone just makes it so much worse. I see families, friends, couples and i cry that im not able to be in their spot. Its a lot happening on my mind, lots of pain, regrets. I for some reason dont believe that the way my brain functions will ever change for better. All i want is to be able to talk to people, being someone who can give advice, joke, have story to tell. Spend good quality time. Im so scared to go to therapy and realize it wont help me. There is hope at the back of my mind that this may help me but at the same time i know that once i go there and it wont help me, there wont be anything else that change things for better. On the side note i was attending therapy back in 2016 after i met one girl who i was friends with. Long story short frendship didnt work due to my.issues. i had first depression ever in my life and i wasnt able to handle that. I went to psychologist maybe 8 times and talking didnt do anything to me. She would tell me to bring bad memories back abd let it go while holding some vibrating device in my hand. It was just a waste of time. Aftera while my depression was going back on its own, not due to meetings and i stopped coming. Thatd why i dont really believe in it knowing myself pretty well at this point.