I talked to my therapist. Her recommendation was to continue to fact check in my mind and remain in the moment as much as possible. I feel extremely unsafe unless I am in my bedroom and I’m even a bit suspicious of RS. But she told me to fact check with the fact that he has never hurt me physically or even verbally. She also reminded me that I have been through this before and though it is terrifying right now it is not inescapable.

I am trying to calm myself. I feel like I must hurt myself to appease whatever force/person is after me. Like if I do it first they will back off. I did hurt myself at work today with the safety scissors. I am still terrified to leave this room so I guess that’s not a good plan.

I did manage to relax in the classroom after awhile because I was with familiar people and had real people who could intervene if a physical attack were to occur, though I’m not sure what protection I have if it’s some malevolent force. I escaped to my car and the bathroom (single bathroom which locks securely) several times to get the voices (of the real people) to stop hurting.

I’m secured under my weighted blanket now, trying to breathe deeply. Xanax isn’t touching my racing heart, and I took a whole milligram so I am uncomfortable taking more.

I feel that maybe another shower would help but I am just so scared to leave the room.

I don’t know how much help pdoc will be tomorrow. I think I’m on my own.