This is mostly a rant... I seem to be posting them a lot today No obligation, but if anyone has thoughts or wants to join ranting, they are welcome.

Trigger Trigger Trigger - (mentions self injury, some details about it, and a myriad of other things)

This morning I got into an argument about my mom. She was asking me what I'm going to do about my recovery, and will I please try to help myself, remember taking meds and crap. (Well it's not crap. I'm taking the meds that I think are helpful)

One thing led to another and suddenly she was reminding me of my suicide attempts and started asking me why I overdosed on meds, why I cut myself, where I had learnt that behaviour.

That it was because I spent time with my psycho ex-best friend, I was with her all the time and that made me go crazy. (well, it DID contribute to me coming to the conclusion that it was better to end my life)
That it was because I had read stuff on the Internet.
That I had learned to commit suicide from a cult website or something... very weird. I have never in my life been to a cult website that encouraged people to commit suicide. And even if I had I wouldn't do it because of THAT.

Well.... I don't even remember where I got the idea that cutting would relieve the pain.

And I don't even know why I do it..

isn't "I feel terrible and it relieves the pain a little" enough?
isn't "I have a poor impulse control" a reason?
what about "I don't think I can make it in the world"?

I couldn't turn to them for support. They would have told me to get over it. They have been through much worse, poverty etc.

Those are my reasons, but I don't know if they are enough. She seemed to want a more "reasonable" reason. Is there one? Is this just being pathetic?

I try to make sense by thinking that because my parents expected me to not to disturb them, I had no chance to release my emotions. I was into art, but I was never encouraged to do it so I mostly just admired others' work. But I did write a lot. That helped some. So I turned to self-injury. It made the pain physical. Something "real", it validated that I was in pain, that I wasn't crazy.

I did learn that behaviour from somewhere. Like my mother did from someone that it's okay to throw things around and yell and threaten you're going to kill someone or burn the house down when you're angry. Like my dad did from my grandpa that it's okay to drink when you feel bad. That drink takes the pain away. I learnt that from my dad as well. Maybe I heard about cutting at school, read from a magazine, on a website. It isn't hard to find something sharp and start scratching. Or a knife and press hard enough to make a wound.

I know it's bad, and I'm working on it. With the self-injury part things have been good. I haven't done it in at least a month. With alcohol I'm still struggling. But right now I realise I'm under a lot of pressure, and that things will get easier. I have people who believe in me and that makes this struggle worth it.

Good thoughts and positive energy to everyone.