It was our exchange yesterday that made me feel dead inside, and I wanted to be dead, so much so that I was having suicidal thoughts. I am so done with him. I cannot wait for him to be out of my life entirely. He has trampled on my spirit, and normally, I am a very spirited, upbeat and energized person. My new boss even told me I have a lot of energy., and that was before our texting exchange yesterday.

I worry I will never be the same, and that I will never be able to trust another man again. I cannot even imagine dating. Not that I would date right now, but it's hard to imagine allowing my heart to be vulnerable ever again.

I am going to pray again. Prayer helps me. I need to be lifted up out of the abyss I am in - I need greater positivity in my life. I need my more positive mentality to shine through. I need my energy back.

The medications I am on I don't think are helping me to feel like myself either. After being in a psych ward, they put me on a couple more heavier meds. I feel them, and they cloud my thinking. I am talking to my psych nurse today about my meds. I want to change them up and drop one of them, at least. I've already cut the dosage in half, upon the guidance of my father who is a psychiatrist. I want to come off this one med. entirely. I need to be sharper at work than I have been in my cognitive thinking. It really bothers me.