Guys, hi. I think I have a depression. I enjoy rainy days way better than sunny ones. I feel only destructive feelings (hatred when I see happy couples holding hands).
I can't enjoy a job promotion (cause I think I deserve better). I think that I will never be loved and I don't wanna be with someone who is not good enough for me. I mean, who is not 6 feet tall and who has less paid job than i do. I am in a bad relationship with my mom (this has been before epilepsy too), my mother gave me a stupid name which I had to change when I was 14, she is hysterical and manipulating (told me and dad she was going to commit suicide several times). She was expecting a boy but I was born and that's why she was taken by surprise, so to say.
I'd never been loved, only used by other people. When I try to tell this to my mom she starts arguing and telling me she loves me, but I never felt that (i was born when she was 19 y.o., I feel I am more mature).
I think I have no longer any desire to search for true love, true friends and etc. I feel like I just want to crawl down on the floor and cry silently... There's no one nearby. I am worn out.

It's unfair, all I have I had to fight for to get... I know others who just got love and friends, easy as they went on with their lives...

I think maybe I need a therapist. But I honestly don't want anything right now and this has been lasting for one month already. I'd never before felt anything like this.

I don't wanna clean the apartment. All of the sounds I hear irritate me.

I also have epilepsy.

For as long as it concerns BPD, i think I don't have it cause I took several self tests and so to say, I do not sleep with several partners, do not take drugs and do not think about suicide...
I am just feeling it's all too much for me to bring on my shoulders.
I wrote a post approximately half a year ago about my difficult relatioships with my mom, who is unstable....