Hey all. I think I have whats called treatment resistant depression because medications didn't work...? But it's maybe some weird special form of bipolar, except I don't have episodes anymore...? I also developed cPTSD and that has had effects too (getting better). So I don't really know, but I read that the symptoms I recently noticed are depression symptoms. Do you recognise them for yourself and if so how do you deal with them?


These:

(For TLDR skip to the questions at the end)

- If I try to read some fiction or watch a movie for fun/engaging times, I tire out about right after 1 hour. Then the bad past starts coming up, anything will trigger the bad memories in a tangential way even. I cannot escape them, they get more frequent and my brain falls apart more and more. I kept reading or watching (but videos are worse than reading I think) and I was forced to process bad memories/bad "thoughts" (really garbled thoughts at that point tbh) etc. and it wasn't that fun and sometimes I'd end the video while crying or upset or angry.

Or if I try to go to some nice place I can start crying or just feel strong sadness. I seriously considered going to some nice tropical or similar beach in the summer (I'm in Europe and Ive never been to any of those except once in Italy) and I felt like I'd have the same strong sadness once I'd be lying down to enjoy myself.

(maybe this one got better, I have to check by watching another movie but I'm still interested anyway).

- If I try to make a decision quickly for some new situation and I'm not up to speed (and I'm usually not in the morning....maybe by the evening I can, it gets better the longer Ive been awake) then I can feel like I can't deal with it in an efficient way or adapt fast..., like my brain is almost just blank and blocked... like it's all too disorganised and I can't get the energy to quickly get up to speed and like... deal with it all fast and efficient. This isn't the same as just feeling like I need to wait before I feel ready to think or decide about something. This is me wanting to do it and not being able to, not having enough energy for it. Being too slow or too disorganised mentally

- Often, new information ughhhh seriously hurts my head if I have to get into it fast. This one got like this after cPTSD but I think it isn't just cPTSD anymore. I just don't think so for some reason.

- All in all when I wake up it's the worst with being totally blocked or just slow and everything can feel downright *painful* (physically but I know it's not simple physical pain like from injuring yourself from a fall anything). I've improved alot with this though, now I just need to rest ~30mins in bed then I can get up and can even dress up fine. That's improvement!!
I also was like... for work during the day I used to be like, I could do x amount in 1 hour (x = abysmally low), and I did that with lots of pain/suffering/negative emotions. I would get better and up to speed by night (...or by next morning, waiting until then without sleep...). Now I can do a "normal" rather than an "abysmally low" amount during the day WITHOUT suffering if the work is not too hard and if it is routine work. At least in the afternoon I can, I didn't try in the morning yet. I also haven't tried harder work yet. But last time I tried it was still bad, about 10 days ago lol. I tried a piece of work 2 days ago that wasn't too hard but not routine either and that wasn't bad but I noticed I was being careful lol to avoid pain and it was late at night already. So idk

I improved on this (=routine work stuff is normal speed now in the afternoon) when I got a family member helping me and I felt like I had someone finally pay attention to me. Purely that on its own made me better lol. A few days ago. (Tbh it also helps me because I feel obligation too, as she temporarily sacrificed a few hours of her time/routine for that. I feel the obligation to also man up to doing things because of that. Like even if it feels painful, I'll start doing what I planned to do for the day... but tbh because of the above it isn't even that painful anymore. It all helps me have discipline and less strong negative emotion. But the negative emotions are still there, but are less strong.)

- I have one more problem/symptom that's kinda new actually or I didn't notice before because I was more blocked and I am more emotional now (so that is why I even am looking at symptoms of depression): I can read negatives into people's behaviours, even little behaviours... I constantly read negative attitudes towards me if something is ambiguous and if I was open to them just before the ambiguous thing happened. So I am very careful now really, making sure I am not too open to most people... but I read it's a symptom of depression too. I used to never do this.



***

(TLDR too)


My questions:

1. If you had the first symptom above, ie. getting really negative after enjoying something for a short time, how long was it before it got better?

2. If you had the brain block or mental slowness in thinking or concentration...I read with depression you may need to break down tasks into steps where you never needed to do it when healthy. That resonates with me but my case seems extreme (also due to cPTSD - though that improved a LOT). Do you think simple cognitive exercises would work for getting up to speed? Does this issue or this idea make sense? If you did this sortof approach, exactly what types of exercises did you do and how long before it got better?

3. How do you deal with the negative thoughts about people's (imagined negative) attitudes towards you?


PS: The work I do is "supposedly" part time (idk...), and it's remote work