So much emotional pain today, I miss my mum even though of course she was never truly there....but she still exists and sometimes I think it would be easier to never have had a mum at all....it hurts having a mum and not having a mum and being a mum all at the same time. And I miss you and I think really that’s just because I miss my mum or my not mum or perhaps my never-having-had-a-mum gaping hole is just particularly massive at the moment. Or maybe I do miss you. I don’t know. Will it ever get easier? It’s a lot.