I have been horribly indecisive about important life decisions. I feel angry at myself about that. I have ended up choosing to do nothing with each choice for change I wanted to make. That, in itself, is a choice. But I feel so bad about it. I didn’t act because I felt too much tug of resistance from my husband. Although he says he is willing to do what I want to do. He doesn’t want to do those things himself. So he undermines me in subtle ways. One example is; our whole marriage I wanted to move from where we live. He said we would when the time came. Now the time is here and he suddenly springs on me we can’t because of TAX reasons!

I feel I don’t have any right to steer the ship and do what I want to do because I didn’t earn our living, was a homemaker. I have no reason to move other than I want to have a new experience somewhere else. But, also, now I could move to be closer to all my kids who are in another state.

Now it looks like we’re staying put here. It’s a nice place. I have no right to complain tbh.

There’s something in me that made me feel like I always wanted to move away from where I was from, and stuck there due to others. Maybe I’m just a malcontent person with everything. I probably won’t be happy anywhere or with anyone. It’s part of a disorder? It could also be learned from my mother always being unhappy with where we lived and wanting to move. But when I would tell her let’s move then, she’d say no. Did she just want to be discontent? Was she scared to take a chance?

Everything feels like a tug-o-war. I don’t tug. I let go of the ropes and just give up. When someone gives me resistance, I don’t want it anymore. It’s only enjoyable if everyone’s on board with a good attitude about something, whatever it is.

Learned helplessness. Is that what this is? Why do I even bother entertaining the thought of waiting to make changes and steer the direction of my life, if I’m only going to be met with resistance and give up?

I keep trying to tell myself to do nothing, say nothing, keep your head down and don’t make waves, don’t fight, be sweet and quiet and all will go better for me. Yuck! Boo me! Plus, I can’t be quiet and sweet and just go along even if I try, lol.