Hey Have Hope. Sorry I got so low for months that I couldn't get on this forum. I was focusing on pure survival. I don't know how you are doing but I hope you are OK. I will check your thread as soon as I can get there but I hope it is no longer even relevant.
(Which would mean good news)
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Originally Posted by Have Hope
@ Alive99, well, for me, and I am speaking only from my experiences, I had had seven abusive relationships prior to meeting my now abusive husband. I truly knew better. I should have paid attention to the red flags, which I ignored yet recognized, and I ignored my gut reactions that something was very off. So I've had to forgive myself for not listening to my gut and for ignoring the red flags, and I've had to take responsibility for the fact that I also married someone whom I knew was abusive just before I married him. Now that's just my particular process and situation. |
This is an interesting issue, of ignoring gut feelings. I find that manipulation and gaslight made me disoriented, and through that, made me ignore my own gut feelings too. The last thing I would do is blame myself for being made disoriented. I don't know your situation of course. Sometimes people do sorta understand but need to learn the lesson for real via the truly hard way. Maybe that's what you meant, I don't know. Just wanted to add this.
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I am glad that my post made you think a bit on your own traumatic experience and on what you have learned about yourself coming out of it. That's all we can do is learn from our experiences.
Trauma is complex and different for every person. I do not know if you have or were abused in your childhood, for example. I was abused in my childhood, and therefore, I have childhood trauma, which is triggered by these abusive relationships I've had. I am working on healing all of it in therapy to date.
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I have childhood trauma but not childhood cPTSD (thank god, it would have been really bad to have to experience that too as a kid). I was not abused in some major way as a child though. It's just the trauma from a childhood that was made harder for me than usual/average (even if there is no truly literally average childhood). It is a long story as to what it was but it was not child abuse and the like. It was a hostile environment but not abuse beyond that
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So, I suppose for you, and now please forgive me if I haven't read through your entire thread, but if you experienced childhood trauma, it could also be triggered by the experiences you've had more recently. If not, then these recent experiences stand more so as an anomaly within the entirety of your lifelong experiences.
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I think I can recognise the reactions that relate to my childhood and they are definitely different from these experiences. I would say, anomaly in that sense, yes. Even if of course anything that happens to you later in life is indirectly the consequence of your childhood.
It is one of the questions I've tried to answer for myself though: how could I get these bad experiences later in life?
It's been a hard question.
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Therapy really helps to process trauma and abuse. Are you in therapy? And again my sincere apologies if you are having to repeat yourself.
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No worries there! I was in therapy before yes, but certain circumstances made it hard for me to get access to therapy while the measurements and regulations for dealing with the pandemic are in place. And they are still in place here. I was denied access to the trauma centre nearby because of them. So no, I am not in therapy now.
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I am very pragmatic and practical when it comes to solving problems. So therefore, I face these issues with very practical questions: what can I learn from the experiences I've had and how can I apply that education and learning to my future relationships? How can I heal myself from past abuse? And finally, how can I find inner peace after so much turmoil and pain, after all is said and done?
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Those are quite general questions for me and so they take a lot of time to process. But definitely relevant issues.
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That is why I chose to forgive those two past abusers, finally. Forgiveness is not for everyone. But there comes a point in your healing journey where you will want to finally release all the pain from the past, whether you choose to forgive or not. But forgiveness does allow for that release. It's a pathway. I understand you are not there at this present moment. You are still processing your experiences. That's just the path that I personally chose, and it's helped me.
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I do want to get rid of all the pain of the past. It doesn't want to respond to commands from me like that though lol
So yeah, it takes a lot of processing.
Glad you got through it for yourself. I imagine you started the process earlier than I did. I took a while to recognise what was going on etc.
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At the very least, it helps to think it through in full - and again I point to what can be learned? How can I heal from this? And how can I move forward in life from this, putting it all into perspective and behind me?
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Yeah, I am trying to do these things. It feels like a lot of small puzzle pieces requiring a lot of time and energy for me. One day...