I feel the urge to purge and excercise compulsively more and more. If I could (I do not allow myself to for obvious reasons) I would purge and abuse lax again, maybe meds... I mean I already lost control but I don't want all damage.
I feel so disgusted when I look at myself. I feel guilty for eating, for existing. Food makes me feel nauseous. Life makes feel nauseous.
I feel closer to God and more pure if I reduce it and I feel like I am a better athlete then. Food makes me feel dirty and disgusting and (even more) fat.
I am always agitated, irritable and on the edge.
I am restricting greatly...
I feel like this is more so because of my current situation. I feel like I am completely losing control. I try to keep everything together. But there are so many issues right now. I can not be everywhere... But this gives me at least an illusion of control.
I hope that does not trigger...
Since I still express how I feel.
I feel like at the moment this is better than all the other self-destructive behaviors and has at least some benefits or feels like that.