Sorry, adding another response because I completely forgot that this was what I originally thought of when reading your post. So you were quoting me on where I said it helps if I talk about these negatives (i.e. process them more).

My problem is that I can't have anyone paying attention to me all day like that, lol. (Even if I had the time all day, which I don't because I do have to do work)

I can't just journal all day because I (understandably) usually don't feel like someone is paying attention while I journal. I used to do the thing with writing to people online sometimes, but I stopped doing that because it eventually became just like journalling, because no one has that much time and I didn't want to take people's time either. Plus if I open up that much I'll want a real relationship or it just won't work after a while.

But I mean, I know IRL friends can't help with this stuff either. I know from experience. I don't have access to therapy while any lockdown measures are in place. We don't have full lockdown (I'm not in the USA btw) but we have enough measures and regulations in place that prevent me from getting therapy. (Zoom etc not an option either here for me)

And I will admit that therapy did end up hurting me too much in the end. I don't know why, but it did. So even if lockdown is gone, I don't know if I will go back right away. And it is only one hour a week anyway.


I've used the chat on here, the emotional support chatroom thingy. It can help too.

But when I get up in the morning I think it's night in the USA plus I don't imagine I can do that chatting everyday either for hours (no one has that much time right?).

And I know all that talking online and therapy and stuff like that is just a substitute for real relationships but again my stuff is just too much for the real relationships. My IRL friends ran away even without me trying to talk much about the issue (yeah they weren't real friends so one more thing crashed in my life having found that out, that I wasted years on those friends), and my family, yeah I can't burden them either. In extreme crisis (suicidal, this is luckily rare) I do ask for their help actively but it can't be all day every day.

I understand it doesn't have to be all day though if the interaction is quality enough or something. But I don't really know what's quality enough like that. Or maybe it doesn't exist because my issues are just still too bad for that.


So, I don't really know what the trick is here. But I am open to hearing about any suggestions, etc.

PS: And I did go for an interview once for an inpatient therapy setting. (The thingy where you go and stay for months in an inpatient setting and you have lots of group therapy and a bit of individual therapy.) And it was horrid, the interview. The clinical psychologist wasn't interested in showing empathy or making room for my disability (sorry long story as to what it is), or to consider how it could be accommodated and tried to tell me how it is when he's not the one with the disability, it was all really abusive. Anyway yeah so it turned out they wouldn't accommodate my issue in the inpatient setting so I had to skip the option. Maybe there is something in private health care for rehabilitation in a similar inpatient setting, I've seen things like that but they cost a fortune and I don't have a fortune for it lol god. Sure maybe if I somehow managed to pay a fortune - say I save up enough for this TOO, ugh - they would accommodate for my issue and then it would actually work but I dunno. I really don't. Because I haven't heard of a place that is specialised in that too tho it's not necessary to have specialisation, basic empathy would be enough imo.

But say they have that basic empathy and accommodate for my disability thingy, they'll still have to be able to deal with my triggers too. Like if I have energy and then I try to get to do things too quickly my emotional triggers will just come out anyway and then I will be like, I look angry or upset even if I don't say anything or attack anyone. It's not borderline PD, it's cPTSD but I don't even know of a rehabilitation centre for that here, paid or not, costing a fortune or not. So it's not as simple as with the private rehab centers for drug addicts and the like (that is what I saw costs a fortune). I don't think they would be able to deal with the cPTSD reactions AND my disability together. I'm not a drug addict btw, it's just the rehab part I'm interested in since the govt funded place wouldn't accommodate for my disability.

But again I just need to survive the next few days. Then I'll have a more manageable course I think. I just don't know yet how to survive it. THAT's my problem for now.