I guess I would start with the fact that I’ve had eating disorders since i was 10 years old. My grandma passed away around that time and she meant a lot to me, also I had been bullied a lot in school and my mom and i had a rough relationship when I was growing up, as opposed to my dad, whom I idolized but who was always away. I think the anorexia i had as a kid was my way of coping with all of this, and of course my mom’s body dysmorphic disorder didn’t help. From then on it was a constant alternation between anorexia, bulimia and binge eating. In 2014 I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes and so i lost a lot of weight, and people were complete dickheads about it— they wouldn’t shut up about it and people who had been snobs to me before suddenly wanted to be my bffs. All that reinforced negative patterns which persisted for several years after; from 2014 to 2017 I over-exercised, starved myself, purged, and took tons of diet pills. I didn’t ovulate. My wounds wouldn’t heal. I couldn’t think straight and could rarely stand without losing my balance. And yet, since my bmi was in the normal range (i was around 140 lbs, which is on the upper end for my height), doctors wouldn’t look at me. No one wanted to see that i was really sick. I went to two different eating disorder clinics, both of which sucked ***. Fast forward to now— Ive got a highly stressful job and I have all these conflicting emotions about myself, my body, and people around me. I don’t know what to do to fix it. It sucks. I just feel like I can’t get out of this vicious cycle of numbing my feelings and coping with food versus starving and punishing myself. It’s like there’s no happy medium. So that’s my story.

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