@indigo1015:

What a heart-breaking story! Starting at such a young age, 10. So sorry about your grandma. It's too bad about your mom. Sorry your dad was not available. And being bullied. That sounds like a tough start in life and a perfect storm setting for developing dysfunctional behavior.

I'm sorry to hear of your extreme behavior 2014 to 2017. I know what you mean about people coming out of the woodworks when you lose a lot of weight. This man who dismissed me when i was fat, at 41 suddenly held me up as an example to people when i lost a great deal of weight, once even in a meeting in front of about fifteen people. I was so embarrassed! Like, hey, dude, it is none of your business! Then i gained it back and he went back to ignoring me. Fatist, or what?!

I'm sorry your eating disorders clinics were not helpful. That's not very woke of them. We have a wonderful clinic here in my city attached to a university's health clinic. I took an free eight-week psycho-educational series there back when i was 30 and learned a lot. It introduced me to the book "No Fat Chicks" which was an eye-opening read. The psychologist who led the group was outstanding. I would surely become a client of hers if i could afford it.

Please don't give up hope! There is this resource here on the forum that i am trying to ignite and also if you look in the "Welcome" stickies at the top of the forum board you will find a link to a national support organization that does phone, chat and text support. I think the acronym was "NEDA" but i am not too sure about that. I'm Canadian so i'm not sure it'll be available for me. Sigh! But do look into it and let me know. It sounds like it could be a valuable support.

Is therapy an option for you? I know you said you're working a hectic job but life is a lot easier when we are happy so if therapy is available to you it would be worth the investment.

I know it's hard to get support for "invisible disabilities" like eating disorders when you are at a healthy BMI. But wounds not healing, not having the physical resources to menstruate, loss of balance and above all, emotional anguish, all have a tremendous impact on life and should not be ignored.

I did not get my period for a year when i was 14 and had anorexia. Not that i missed it! But i was taken to a medical doctor who asked me, in front of my mom, if i "was just not hungry" and i lied and said yes. I was starving, i couldn't climb a set of stairs at school without getting dizzy, all the while competing in gymnastics. I could have lit myself on fire and my parents wouldn't have helped me.

I am happy that you agree that talking about the emotions behind binging should be the priority here, tho we can talk about dieting here too, especially for those of us who are extremely overweight. I'm not trying to start an anti-dieting movement. If you ARE seriously overweight, like *i* am, you SHOULD diet.

So it's a serious business we are mired in. We should not fool ourselves. All i can offer you is a listening ear and the hope that by participating here we can heal our demons.

Ta!

Jane.