My Support Forums - View Single Post

Alive99 · May 06, 2021, 04:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zako3

That's about situations/people I value that are heading towards the inevitable end , above my own will and control. Examples : someone I love is terminally ill / a longterm relationship / a longterm job is going to end due to external factors . There are several psychological stages of grief when this happens. In psychology they talk about denial-anger-depression-bargaining-acceptance. There are also several factual stages. I will name them
1.The Conviction stage - when you first learn the possible outcome but still have hope
2. The Death Row stage - when it's clear there is no alternative and you try to find ways to cope with it
3. The Death stage
The "green mile" stage is the last part of the death row stage. Maybe the last few weeks. And its the one I can't cope with emotionally. I feel trapped. I can't grief or move on since it hasnt ended yet and I can't behave normally since I feel devastated. I see people behaving normally and live it till the end but I really can't. It makes me feel out of control and broken. If I have a choice I prefer to end it as soon as possible and try to grief and move on. But usually I dont have the choice so I become emotionally distant , severelly depressed , lose interesting in everything and suffer. I feel I can't behave normally when my life is not normal. I also suffer from acute anxiety and these situations just make it worse. But there is definitely something I'm doing wrong or can't see. It should be possible to have all these feelings without quitting my own life. But how?

Oh wow yeah! you put it into words so well. I'm sorry...I know exactly what you mean. I also don't know why or how I'm not able to deal with these emotions easily. Not easily... Understatement.

Someone I've known for over a decade recently dropped the bomb on me.

Possible trigger:

A fully planned out suicide plan.

And I have to watch their self-sabotaging ever since then too.

I wanted to help, I got really driven to help.

She will not seek help from a psychologist or psychiatrist. She will instead self-medicate. She overall has this self-sabotaging plan set up to fail herself. She's literally put her life in danger twice already while doing this plan.

And she started playing the avoidant because I don't know why...she must have sensed some pattern in our interactions and her paranoia must have got triggered.

So now I feel like I can't even be there for her because she'll just avoid. It was extremely painful for my own cPTSD triggers too.

And she and someone else and there was another person too, we all had the same in common. We had a part of our lives where we became isolated from others, from society. Yes, trauma, mental illness, everything. Another person who also had the isolation stuff we all knew already committed suicide.

And I am trying so hard to do rehab now. I am the only one of all of us who went into therapy, regular visits to psychiatrist, active rehab plan, etc... I couldn't convince any of them to go seek help in the same way. I've tried. I've given them other help too and everything. It didn't work over years.

And I am unable to deal with the thought that all these other people may suicide or get hopelessly low in other ways. While I am trying to get better. And how can I pull them along with me?! I have finally realised they are bigger burdens than what I can responsibly handle. I realised this after years of pouring energy into these people (and one of them added a big load to my cPTSD eventually).

But I'm just unable to deal with the thought. About leaving them behind?!?! Will they get lucky?!?! Can I do anything at all?!?! Is life really this hard and cold?

So that is my green mile situation.

I hope it's okay I talked about my own situation. If not, I can open a new thread. All this just came out... Wasn't even planning to talk about it... I just bottle it up mostly... because who can I tell to about it? (NO access to therapy while lockdown, long story)