Thank you, I am just very confused and overwhelmed lately... Yesterday was also hard. I was struggling to control the way I moved, so my gaight must have looked funny which is nothing new but somehow I did not really care maybe?
I was trying to keep it together. I kinda went to the general hospital I used to be treated in. I somehow sat there and tried to remember.
People were around. I somehow wanted to remember them as good, the medical staff mostly. So I sat there and I still do enjoy seeing people happy so I was glad that did not go away. I was kinda making piece with everything. I just wanted to not hold any grudges for whatever would happen. I wanted everybody to appear like a white sheet, maybe but mostly just really see them without being scared and feeling like they are making the decisions for me. Maybe I hoped they would talk or comfort me but I did not want tp risk anything. The likelihood of not being believed (still struggle to believe myself either but try to be understanding to stay safe) was low and the panic and wanting to be 'handed all the memories back' by something just does not work no matter what I do.
I kinda also felt compelled to kinda make myself end up in bad places and make bad, haunting experiences to maybe have enough finally. Idk I guess I am angry and a ****** person a lot. It was just hard to keep myself safe that day. Idk how I did it. There was so much that could have went wrong or happened. Also I now know that most bad stuff that lead to hospitalisation or happened there happened in that state.
I was still scared though because I was in pain after that relapse which I think is now from stretching my back a lot.
But I was so out of it I just felt like I am in pain I must have done something wrong. What if, what if, what if? That made me go insane.
Yeah, I do contortion - it is one of these things - 'if I don't bend I break' but it is like not my main discipline which I did not get to practice or manage too which I was annoyed at for too. I feel like I never see the efforts just the result.
I demand and expect so much yet kinda don't care really.
I always feel like I am not trying hard enough but I am moving for hours just to hope to make the urges go away. I am fighting constantly! I also saw NOTHING of self-pity or attention-seeking behavior. Just someone being frightened for completely reasonable things and not knowing how to cope and what to do. The walk there was complicated because I did not know how to get there. I was just sitting there trying to process and remember. I knew it could be triggering and might make things worse.
But I felt like I had nothing to lose at this point.
I felt harrassed and kinda threatened by a voice but somehow managed not to do anything of what was demanded.
I was gone for hours. I did not notice time because I was really fleeing from something.
Still see myself sitting on a bench in a hidden area staring at a fence though.
Of course my phone was not charged and I had no idea what time it was. I struggled to read the watch. It really felt like I was not there for a very long time and now I saw everything what felt like the first time.
It was odd.
I really tried to experience things with my senses and felt the structures of walls and so on. It was odd. But also for me in hopes to not lose it even more.
I still remember people though and some movie like memories nothing like mine, just real 'they are good, I love them' affection, like strong powerful emotions.
I also noticed how I was twirling and holding my dress and kinda understood that it was a high-stress situation and did not demand to let go of it anf make everything tough.
My feeling of time is awful. Past memories and present. I try to organize it but I can't. Well the emotional stuff can't do that either really.
I just 'function' really. Maybe I am jealous of that. Like the 'I am sitting in the grass and I am happy and I can ignore everything wrong with that situation, because I trust in God - I am only scared of the dark and nightmarish fantasy creatures like black wolves I have seen in a children's book' is just not possible for me I guess.
When memories do come up it is usually like drowning in an emotional unspecified flood.
Nothing useful really.
But I kinda got some information. I asked and somehow got answers. And I was like I can work with that.
It is still very little but more of an insight to who I was or am.
No idea really atm about that.

I kinda finally took a bath yesterday, and did manage to just wash more than my hair in some time. Embarrassing I know. I also have to wash my clothes and stuff. These are things that were not such a huge problem in the past.
It is odd how I was happy when I managed to eat. Now I get it. It is because I was struggling with everyday tasks. I don't know wether I was depressed, I think the last few weeks might have been another episode. I have no idea really. I am diagnosed with all that stuff and struggle so much to keep things apart. I was really kind to myself when I did take the bath. Even though I always feel disgusted by my body and angry for the visible self-harm slip-ups and some other surgery scar from when I completely lost it with self-harm.
I was struggling until around 1/2 AM and then realized I was safe and would not self-harm that night and made it through.
Also paced and turned the music a little top loud at times and then regulated it down quickly again.
It is process.
It is just hard for me to leave the self-punishment mindset. Guilt-tripping myself is so heavily engrained in me.
Self-manipulation too.
I never hurt others though I just isolate myself when I feel don't know the outcome for my life.
I really want to have close friendships again but right now I don't see it yet.
I might be very calculating and tricking into keeping me alive but this is how I survive it does not make me cold-hearted or anything.
Other than that the fact how much I still can say about that experience proofs to me it is getting better and there is more trust.
I am kinda trying to get my life back right now. I think I lost plenty of time with that self-harm crap again and I hope for now I can get out of it again.
It really makes me go insane. It is awful.
I feel like I had another reset somehow and can now kinda try again.
Even though yesterday there was sheer panic about this stuff.
I guess I wanted to forget so badly, turns out unsurprisingly it is horrible of course also blaming myself that 'I wanted this' by just thinking about that.
I will find ways to make it work.
I am already having some good ideas on how to bring structure in my life again and right now after everything I feel like there is no wanting to self-harm left. At least for now.
Also illustrated how things would not work out if I continued like this. It helped a lot.