My head hurts... and my tummy has owies... I am not sure why I am posting... everyone must be sick of me by now.....

just hurting so so much right now...

I am so so so so sick......




since last week... my head has hurt... I am flooded by memories... and can't seem to make the process stop...

from talking to my therapist today.. I believe that it is from some alters reaching co-consiousness... so.. it is a "share" on their part..

I have a child alter... who is 12... and has a huge heart.. so kind.. so loving.. she wants to please everyone and give everyone what they need...

So.. this 12 year old alter... makes alot of adult decisions.. concerning my life...

and the therapist.. keeps asking.. why we..the adults allow that...

and.. he had one of the adults talk to her.. right there.. right then..today.. in session...

and..in the process found out..

that everytime my mom.. went into the ICU.. for her heart... my father.. would come to the private family room... and ask my sister.. 2 years older and my child alter - 12.. what to do... these were life and death decisions.... whether to do open heart surgery... whether to put her on a vent... whether to wait and do surgery.. that I was allowed to be in the ICU... to see my mom.. hooked up.. and on a vent.. with desperate eyes.. that connected with mine... trying to tell me her fear..
it is one reason.. I was selectively mute it seems.. the horror....

My mom.. was in and out of the hopsital since my childhood... thru until 5 years ago...

So... my 12 year old.. is used to making adult decisions - she had to... all the time..

And I understand my father... though he did molest me.. and physically abuse me...

At 8 years old.. the sleigh that his sister and his mom.. there was an accident... and... the sleigh overturned... and they were hurt..

Back during that day and time - people called everything "stone cancer" when they didn't know what it was.. so they spent a year or so... in a "nursing home" of some type.. and passed...
And my father's father.. passed from grief shortly after...

so my father.. lost 3 people .... and was farmed out.. all over.. to relatives that hurt him...

I don't know that I can bear the pain..

My own pain....

My father's pain..

My mother's pain..

It is the pain that.. this child alter endures... day after day... inside of us... and.. I think it is becoming unbearable.. and there is no one that can help...

I think... that I must have an out... because I cannot bear this...

does anyone.. at all hear me screaming?????? please help if you do...