Well, i THINK this answers your original question. Lots of good advice here from the other posters.

I could never understand why you would say you need your h to do certain things to make you happy. But what i do understand from another recent post of yours, is that he seems to be encroaching on your territory, or not giving you space, or sometimes giving you too much space.

Either way, he is not respecting your boundaries. Like with the children - you cannot fill a space he purposely leaves empty. Your decisions - what you REALLY want to do - i believe are found within your space, if your boundaries are respected, and you respect others' boundaries.

You cant change the past. I think its wonderful that your boys will have each other to depend on in the future. Thats not a given. And how to be an older woman in this society is pretty open really.