It is two days later. I don't really know what to say. I knew what to expect... I probably did not try hard enough/fight hard enough. I don't understand my problem(s) and I feel useless and worthless.
Maybe a little hopeless. Like yes, I never actively give up but I let my destiny decide/the stars decide/and related to my faith let it be decided in a sense. I will force myself into therapy at least trying/just one session at least. I am scared, I don't want to go. I also don't know what to say.
But it honestly does not make much of a diffrence anymore. I hope I can manage to call today, called yesterday but did not reach anyone. I also know I will have to lie about self-harm. But honestly that is the only way out. The outcome is the same. I am scared to let go of what has destroyed my life but it kept me alive while causing damage and danger. I just don't know wether I am allowed to not talk about it. But honestly people lie to their doctors all the time. And I don't want her to worry or overwhelm her immeadiately. I think it just is not a good start. Maybe for once I can be seen and not what I was 'made' to be.
I lack trust, am scared to be manipulated, lied, used. I know I should trust but I just feel powerless in that situation. I am just very against it. I am scared to lose control. Myself.
But don't I have had all of that happen already?
Is that not now at a point where it can like only get better. Maybe it is okay to trust her.
I need someone with healthy beliefs, not faulty ones like I have. I just hate myself because my sister does not need , I feel to dumb to cope on my own. But technically do I want to?
No, I don't.
I don't know maybe the call still can be made. Idk