I would always sit in my room alone. I had no care in the world that I was being lonely. It didn't clue in. I just thought I was introverted, or didn't have the energy to do anything. I have Schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, and in November 2019, the hospital release forms said (MRE: Manic). So scary.

After being diagnosed, I thought about mocking the doctors who tried to give me the diagnosis. How obtuse? It was all alone and by myself. And I ain't ever going to try that again. This new psychiatrist seems to have opened my very eyes to the fact that they help people. Just by saying, "Peace". I feel clearer now than I have felt my entire life. If I would have been open to all the possibilities in the air and what they threw at me, maybe I would not be sort of floundering according to myself.

I had this 'double standard' on the doctors: HELP ME ALL YOU CAN SO I CAN GET SO MUCH BETTER, then I thought: YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO HELP BE BECAUSE I AIN'T SICK AT ALL. So arrogant. They see these things all the time. I was never in a right state to be obviously obtuse with them. So that means there was never any real meat to what I was saying.

I had my first break from reality (that went diagnosed) in 2013. I was living obliviously to the rules of adulthood. Feeling comforted by the doctors since that last appointment. Oh man does it seem to sink in that I needed help.

Psychosis is a break from reality. And I think I can comply with the doctors to make sure that I can function totally in the world. I really want to make it in this world. Be something to someone rather than a ragdoll in her room stewing over made up **** that does not even seem real to even herself.