It's been a rough week, year, and marriage of 20...

I am beginning to feel a bit better after getting some decent sleep...

However, I am kinda lost and confused about how to process my current situation with my husband.

I believe my husband is narcissistic with PTSD and likely the root of our dysfunction. He is unwilling to go to counseling on any form. Years of emotional abuse by him... started standing up for myself and our kids very assertively and he didn't like it; however, he would leave us alone for awhile.

Over the last year there has been no intimacy. We seemed to work on ourselves and prepare for our futures without eachother without actually discussing it because there is nearly no communication and has never really been. We also only had 3 fights in this time wich is amazing since we would fight a lot usually.

I could see that he was making positive changes for the last several months and he had become a lot easier to be around. I have left him a few notes mentioning how nice certain events have been as a family despite our marital challenges. Nothing in return, but I wasn't expecting a response. He talks about the future with me included, upgrading my vehicle, and supporting my college degree.... I began to develop hope that things would turn around...

Then our last fight was just as intense as all before... this time he was sober, so I couldn't blame it on his drinking. It ended by him shouting in my face that we are over. This stung more than I thought it would since I have always believed that we would end in divorce and months prior I was looking forward to the day. This lead me to I told him just frankly about it to be responsible for the kids sake. His lack of words kinda added to pain as well. He was willing to talk with me the next day and told me that he just wanted to continue as we have been until I earn my degree in 2 years. So no intimacy and coparrent. I told him I am not shocked, but I am going to have a hard time. That I feel lonely and trapped. He replied well maybe it will get better once I earn my degree.

I just don't think I can live 2 years feeling this way. We still share the same bed and I can no longer sleep next to him. It is emotionally painful. I feel trapped between two chapters of my life a longing to feel loved by him and carrying on without him as a single person. I was getting up twice in the night and leaving the house because the emotions were too intense to sleep.

I talked with him about the issues I was having sleeping in the same bed as him and that when we move next month, we need to consider two separate bedrooms. His response was that it wasn't fair to our kids who will have to share a room, but he agreed to think about it.

After, many nights of me struggling for sleep and trying to find an alternate place (our closet), he told me that we are not necessarily 100% done. That we both have to make our future as a couple a reality by making the fighting end a reality. I told him that I felt it was possible after the work we have put into working on ourselves. Told him that we could still function with space for now as he mentioned prior that he just needed to get through the final stages of his job before we move.

Now, I wonder if he is only pasifying me because of the issues I am having and how that conflicts with the plan to just keep me around for the kids until I can support myself.... I am so weak that I am almost okay with that. It's like I can function with just that glimmer of hope, but once it's gone, I am a complete mess.

Thanks for reading all that. It helps to get this out since I have no one to talk to... still working on getting a counselor.