I'm in an awful rut for way too long. I don't feel depressed, emotionally. Then, again, I was just crying for a few minutes. I had read on facebook about today being the anniversary of a relative who died. I got over that. I'm not really sad. The trouble is I'm still in my nightgown and in bed. It's after 5 p.m. I got up for breakfast and lunch. Just didn't stay up.

I'm watching birds coming to the bird feeder outside my bedroom window. That's all I want to do - sit up in bed and watch the birds.

A year ago, I was busy caring for my boyfriend who was sick and near the end of his life. He's gone. I got over the initial, severe pain of losing him. I'm not paralyzed with grief. Time heals. However, I just don't have any energy to even get dressed. I would call this depression, I guess.

My bedroom window is nice to look out of. I can see sky, mountain tops, rose bushes and birds. They sound sweet, chirping on and off. I'm comfortable here. I don't want to move.

My apartment is very messy. If anyone came by and looked in, they'ld think there was something mentally wrong with me. There is.

I'ld feel a lot better, if I picked up my house and tidied things up. I don't know where to start. I know it doesn't matter where I start. I could start anywhere. I could spin a bottle and start where it points.

I've been very isolated for months . . . since just after Christmas. Now I like it that way. I hate the thought of having to talk to anyone. Too much work. I avoid answering the phone. I resist stepping outside the front door because some neighbor might walk by and try to talk with me. I talk to myself all day . . . sometime out loud. What is wrong with me?

I will appreciate anyone leaving even a brief comment on this thread. I've withdrawn into a world of my own inside my own head. I'm getting stuck in here. I want to get out of my head, clean up my apartment, put some clothes on and live more normal. But I'm stuck in here.

Getting unstuck might sound like a simple choice I just have to make. But this is going on day after day after day. Every night I tell myself I will do better tomorrow. Every day turns out the same. I go from bed to couch to recliner to bed.

Were any of you ever "stuck" like this? Anyone who's been depressed can probably recognize some of this behavior. I'm worried that I'll never pull out of this. Even if I do, I worry I'll just relapse back into it. That's been happening since after Christmas.

Any encouraging words that anyone can think of might help. I feel cut off from the human race. I know this is a dreary story.