Moved here from Survivors of Abuse ... includes references to childhood abuse

Arghhhhh... I just feel I should take down this post. Instead, I keep adding to it. It has become a little test of courage to keep the post and my separate replies up here and on another site. Recollection and telling are bringing threatening dreams. Awake every hour or so last night with dreams in between.

I'm beginning to see connection between the childhood abuse and combat where there was no fear, just rage when in contact with enemy. When they threatened me or my team, it was just anger and rage, and this time I had the tools to protect us and fight back.

No matter whether it was a sniper or in full battle, the adrenalin flowed and rage took the shape of bullets and grenades and bombs. Explosions. Fire. Smoke. and always, always, always, some blood.

Even then, with the world's most sophisticated war fighting tools, I could not protect them all. So the guilt of childhood becomes tangled with the guilt of war. *tears

Thanks for suggestions to explore T with VA, but probably won't engage VA in this. That might be good for me, but it would bring a train wreck for those ppl around me. I cannot cause more suffering. I am sorry.

No matter how many times ppl tell me that this isn't my fault or that I am not to blame, my emotions resist it. And I do feel so stupid and such a wimp no matter how often ppl point out the courage involved in surviving it and telling it and all the other stuff. Many of you tell me that my experiences are individual and cannot be compared to others experiences.

You are right. I know that. But how can I even ask for support when so many of you have been raped and beaten and treated severely ... winding up disabled entirely, blind, wheel chair bound...with constant, ongoing threats.

When I visit this memory I see that skinny 10 yr old boy and all the rest of you who have gone through trauma of all kinds. *tears for all of you