I will post more. Because it helps me think & it's my own thread yeah. I observed that I can start work/tasks in the evening sooner than I used to. I used to be able to do it only during the night. But I take very long to actually start up. I prepare stuff for the work, do other (actually important) little tasks, then later in the evening I'm actually working. But not that long. Not long enough, I need to be able to do more. And need to be able to sooner than that late. Deadline pressure helps but it has to be extreme pressure and uh that's counterproductive too of course.

I used to get into real bad acute lows/episodes from all that pressure. That's gone... I don't even really need to pop 1-1 Xanax pill to avoid it anymore. I no longer lose sleep like that either.



But the slowness, it's bad. It prevents me from easily finding solutions, answers to these issues. And I forget the ideas if I had any that seemed good. Even if they are simple. Like the above one about sitting down at the desk. So it's slow as molasses, my progress here.


I've learned to be okay with how I have to accept that I can do only a little even if I want to do a lot, like sitting down at the desk knowing I won't necessarily be able to do a lot of work right away, I had a problem with accepting it and seeing it as a worthwhile step to do. But it IS a worthwhile step yeah?

I just have the problems of 1) self-sabotaging feeling not wanting me to go and sit at the desk for work/other tasks 2) or plain getting distracted forgetting that I wanted to do a task, .... or I remember for a second then my brain doesn't want to stay with it because it requires too much energy/being too "stimulated"/engaged. 3) trouble maintaining "stimulated" mode (a normal energy level in fact, used to be my normal) unless putting in a lot of extra effort. 4) if I allow myself to keep doing distractions (the things I called addictive above), then I'm stuck in the "understimulated rut" and it's harder to get out of it later. Bad direction.


And then why can I do things like educate myself on topics that I know I will need for my future goals? That's weird too. They are not addictive, they feel like actual work but I don't mind...?


It's like I will engage with what I know I will need later, but will NOT engage with the here and now.


I mean I could engage with it, with the here and now if it was about some fun or enjoying something - after I'm like, I've booted up enough for it, I know I can if I try - but I can't because of the tension because I know I have to do the work first and blah.

And I have a load of negative feelings that are coming out more and more (were blocked before). That also get in the way if I try to do things. If I enjoy a movie for 1 hour, I have the negatives coming up from my past. If I try to do a task, I have self-sabotaging negativity, and so on.... if I get enough energy, I get angry/raging for a while or go through other very bad strong negative emotions. Then I can keep engaged for a while and do work etc. But that's unpleasant having to do that and requires a lot of energy. Discipline also needs energy.


Yeah... any ideas?