OH. Thank you @mote.of.soul

So I was like.... writing above: why can I do things like educate myself on topics that I know I will need for my future goals? That's weird too. They are not addictive, they feel like actual work but I don't mind...?

It's like I will engage with what I know I will need later, but will NOT engage with the here and now. Because I often don't believe there is a point, because I don't trust I can sort that part of my life. I mean... I had a lot of bad experiences, because of a particular issue that most people don't have to deal with and it feels like it makes living life hard or impossible. It does objectively make it harder. I also had some traumas due to it, indirectly or directly due to it. But I've been finding out ways about how to get around that. But I've been slow at this too, I've avoided it for so long, this topic. It is complicated as to what it is.


So yeah my problem is I do not believe in the present enough. I have some future goals but between here and that future a lot of other things need to be done, and I know what needs to be done, but I'm lacking the belief. Because I've not sorted out exactly what to do about that particular issue. It strongly relates to being able to enjoy the company of people, friends, several people in a small group, .... Because the rest of the issue is completely objective, that I know I can figure out, but because of that stuff I have an issue believing in there being a point bothering with it all.

I made a big step last night about that though. My mind was finally ready, picking up data from some unrelated articles and then I've read I could go and meet some people in a group who would be welcoming and understanding of me. Maybe... I'm SLOWER THAN molasses about this one. I've had to go through so much processing of my past, memories, emotions, to be able to get to this. I had a catharsis last night about how all of it added up for me for long decades causing problems. Because I read someone's article on how that works psychologically. It was the perfect description for me and explaining a lot of my life. Sorry, I am rambling now.


I am just writing all this because I am trying to work and can't if I don't get some negatives out or see a way forward and feel better.

I've made another step forward: I'm able to talk more in detail about what the problem is with my days and asking questions about it. Without getting stuck in my head and processing the past. This is sorta being in the here and the now with that.