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Originally Posted by TishaBuv
Several people have suggested that. I have asked our therapists and psychiatrist and they scoff. But, I think there is definitely some aspect of something on spectrum happening. It could be part me, part him. Neither of us have anything severe enough to have been diagnosed.
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That makes sense to me. If he has some OCPD traits (but even if not the full-on OCPD disorder), then yeah a professional wouldn't mistake that for Asperger, they have differences in traits even though they both are bad at emotion. It makes sense to me also that you are saying neither of you has an outright disorder like that to get diagnosed. To me it overall really seems like a major incompatibility between you two, especially emotionally and in other preferences too (e.g. his planning vs your liking ideas). I had the sense before that you two don't read each other's motivations because of this incompatibility. Like it's hard to understand and read each other accurately then. But that's just my personal opinion, I've not seen that much about your relationship.
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I think I’ll try to look at this as though we are dealing with this issue, and see what kind of skills may help us.
He does not ‘get’ me and what I like. No matter how many times he has done what I hate and I have expressed it in every non-violent way I know how  , he keeps doing it. He doesn’t really have empathy. I have seen him show some empathy, but just a bit in a moment where anyone would look like a callous POS if they didn’t. He wasn’t nasty or abusive with the kids, but gave them little attention. He was much better with them while we were all vacation together and we had good times.
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I would chalk this up to you two being different to the point of incompatibility like I mentioned. But that's of course still just my personal opinion/impression. Your guy could have about average abilities for empathy but is likely not going to become good at it beyond average.
And you two could have this emotional incompatibility where you two just don't easily influence each other emotionally. I don't know if that made sense as that's truly just my own, highly personal concept of things, from my own observations having been in various relationships. Some people would naturally be able to emotionally influence me more and some just wouldn't be able to. Some would be able to, to a moderate extent. And so on. Maybe it's a chemistry thing.
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I do have the sensory thing that is mentioned for people on spectrum. This might explain my hatred of the intimate things I can’t stand. I’m also really sensitive to itchy fabrics and hate being tickled! 
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The sensory sensitivities are not exclusive to ASD. They come with other "conditions" too, such as very creative personalities with the so-called low latent inhibition. I'm mentioning this one because it's not a disorder on its own yet it does often come with sensory issues. ASD or ADHD or other neurodiverse conditions can come with this too. But it's its own concept psychologically. The other such concept I can think of that's not a disorder but can have sensory sensitivities is HSP (highly sensitive personality).