Thank you all for the responses. I plan to stick around here, this place has helped me in the past more than I think I'll ever know. And I'm trying very hard to do things that I enjoy, and just relaxing. But what I really want to figure out is what triggered these thoughts.
Back when I was in therapy, I was cutting constantly. But I wasnt suicidal, I was just in love with the way self harm made me feel. And of course I was put on meds. But more recently I have been out of therapy and off my meds (docs orders). After about four months without talking about anything, no meds, but also no self harming (i have completely stopped with that even to this day), I started getting more and more depressed. And finally the thought of just ending it all came to mind. Ever since then, it has become an obsession. I dont know if it's the lack of therapy or the fact that im off the meds that has triggered this. Nothing has really happened in my life. Nothing im not already used to.
Im not sure if finding the trigger to the thoughts will help me, but I know that when I figured out the reason that I would cut myself, I just had no intrest in it anymore. That's all Im hoping for.