Quote:
Originally Posted by Kidfle
Working on the opposite response...not all willingly. Was taught as a child that anger was not acceptable. As I grew up was told don't get angry. Be quiet, hold it in, walk away, that's being a responsible adult. The tail I was told was by our neighbor who had totally redecorated her formal dining room. Her husband made a sarcastic comment. She picked up a big plate of spaghetti and threw it at him. He ducked. Plate hit wall, spread all over new carpet and newly redone chairs. See anger accomplished nothing.
|
lol. That tale... That's not simply anger. That's uncontrolled anger. Controlled anger is good, uncontrolled anger is obviously not.
Quote:
|
Now after years of therapy the anger is pouring out all over. Never learned how to ameliorate anger. My T compares it to learning to tie a shoe. More complicated then it seems. But learning to do so eliminates triggers. Not avoid them, not deny them, not build up the anger inside.
|
This is very interesting to me, the bolded. How does it eliminate triggers or help with not having to avoid them?
I was trying to analyse some response of mine above, TishaBuv thought it was a freeze response but I am not so sure myself. I can't really tell what it is other than, emotions are very disconnected with my attempt to control them ("white knuckle" syndrome). The emotions, they could be fear, anger, I don't know. It's situations where I used to either just do my normal emotional detachment or be angry in a controlled way. Before more cPTSD of course, I mean.
But if I could fully get rid of this thingy, whatever it may be, and if anger helps with that, I would love that because I'm good at controlling anger, but as part of the cPTSD in recent years I was gaslighted into thinking that I shouldn't be angry where I would express it in a controlled way alright before. And then I got more triggers and this weird response to triggers as above.
I realise that I did get more triggers because I'd turned off my normal protective mechanism (thanks gaslight) where it would protect you from exposing yourself too much, obviously. Against more abuse and gaslight and everything.
I stopped buying into that gaslight and I've restored some of my anger and my vitality along with it. That helps with lessening these triggers too, yes.
So I may partially understand the statement you made, yes. (If you have more to add, I'd be very interested.)
But I don't really understand how you do your therapy to get rid of all the anger that will naturally come up once you allow it back into your life. Like, it will definitely be VERY uncontrolled anger at that point, about the abuse and all the bad things.
I'm good at controlling anger for normal life situations. Harder for this stuff. Understatement.
I of course understand that you do have to rework and integrate your memories and create an interpretation that you can have about accepting what bad things happened and how. And that in part helps with finding responses that control the anger and achieve better direction/allow you to leverage situations more effectively. Even if those situations would otherwise be heavily triggering.
But, I would really like to understand how you manage to release, pour out all that uncontrolled anger. And. How long does it take before it gets better, before you no longer need to do it that much?
Especially, how do you do it INSIDE the therapy context? Does your therapist allow you to become angry (not attacking her/him of course, not even making eye contact with them let alone any threatening gestures towards them)?
I've had a big problem with how MANY therapists are unable to tolerate even a bit of anger display, even though I would not behave in a threatening way. Just becoming more loud, or my body language being strong (but not directed towards them whatsoever), etc.
I did once have a therapist who I went to a couple times before she managed to hit on a really bad spot with one (not very careful?) question. And then I really - almost fully - lost it, I wanted to throw everything in that room, wanted to punch a hole in the door leading to another room, or whatever wall was there, wanted to kick over the plant (some small pine tree thingy), etc etc. I jumped up and sorta started doing so but I didn't do either of those. I did keep control enough. Then in the end, I lied down on the floor and cried.
It did help me effectively remove the fresh trauma bit I received that day - long story, I lucked out by having my appointment with the therapist the very same day while trauma (retrauma) was fresh. I know when I was travelling to her office, I felt all hot in my head but the anger would not come out and I know it would not have without that provocation the question provided. And then I'd have internalised it. This way however, I was able to get through it, remove it in time. Then I did not have a leftover from that day, except a tiny little bit of some feeling that went away on its own in 2 months.
It was too much for her though, she said she is not able to work with such issues. Most other therapists I've been to did not get the luck of witnessing this kind of rage, they just had a problem even with a little "loudness" etc. One of them even tried to manipulate me into the idea that any anger is not acceptable.
So I just wonder? Are there any therapists that do this? Is it part of trauma therapy in ANY kind of therapy model?
PS: The issue I mention above that came out in such strong anger. It was strong for me yeah, I'd otherwise never behave like that in front of a therapist or anyone. So... As far as the issue itself goes, I started working on the cognitive processing of it much later so I no longer need this much anger about it, I think. I still have some, though. Still very hard to control especially if someone deliberately triggers it (this happens yes). So I still run into that issue of a trigger over this very long-term trauma issue, and it's still a valid issue with me being able to do therapy properly. Especially during lockdowns, of course.