@TishaBuv

Thank you for your response. Yeah, I'm ok with avoiding violence of course, but not feeling anger at all...that was a bad idea.

Fantasies heh well I'm not good at fantasies, it's very rare for me to fantasise about causing pain or doing damage but it helped before sometimes. Yes it did...I'm just saying it's hard for me to release these emotions in imagination though. That I'm sure doesn't help with trauma processing.

I haven't read the book. But I don't really believe in using ideas to test them out...if that makes sense. What I believe in is feeling the actual visceral gut feeling, then I know it's what I'm actually feeling. So it's not necessarily fear with your husband but only you can know what it is. A book won't know, but it can give tips, sure. I just am saying, if the visceral connection isn't there to the feeling the idea is about, then I wouldn't want to believe/guess about it. I'm saying this because I tried that a lot before when trying to process trauma but it didn't really help me. The same thing with reframing, I want it to have these visceral anchors when I have an idea about what really happened. Until it has that anchor, it doesn't help me with trauma processing.

And yeah, I've also arrived to conclusions like you with it. Like not thinking too highly of them anymore. That's part of the process probably yeah. Being more realistic about what people are capable of.

So anyway yes I have those strong emotions that are so strong that I go all "freezingly disconnected, white knuckle" about them. The problem for me is when I get grounded, and can actually feel the emotions, I still have to process bad thoughts/beliefs from them. But that part feels easier...not easy but compared to being able to get grounded first (hardest part for me), hell a whole lot easier I'd hope.....

The emotions when I finally feel them fully like that are still very very hard to contain, basically. If you can contain them, you can control them and then you have a chance to process the cognitive aspects too. That's just me though. I have just found some very bad things today about how the relationship traumas affected my outlook for relationships. Now that's going to be some new phase of processing.

But yes, I've recognised more triggers too in connection with that.



PS. Thinking more about the book example you gave me. I think you can try and find other feelings, sure, check ideas and all that, like your concern about feeling loved, makes sense too, but you wouldn't want to disregard the message from the anger. What makes you feel like he crossed your boundaries, which is what the anger is signalling. That would be a good question IMO because then you can see what to do about it afterwards.