Quote:
Originally Posted by Alive99
I've read this thread. I'll just list the potential red flags IMO purely to help just in case my gut feeling is not off, this is not to "rain" on your happiness. This is just me saying, stop, use your rational, objective brain half and place all the facts and happening with it too, not just with your emotions.
- Using a highly unlikely story about having no picture to boot
- Having come here from Europe for work - I don't know what background check you did, but have you checked his background in Europe too? Likely married there. Or maybe the whole story is a lie. Maybe even his name is fake and then your background check would fail if that's what it was based on.
- Him so quickly ending up having you do things for him, feeding him free, somehow. Biggest red flag so far even though the no pic story already gave me a gut feeling. The Europe story also did give me another.
- (Only a red flag together with the rest) Him living in a dorm - maybe that's true but maybe he expected you wouldn't feel like checking it out if he says he lives in a dorm.
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I suggest you tell him you want to go over to his dorm at least once. See his reaction, does he get evasive in ANY way at all?
I would like to also suggest, you give it some time and attention and figure out how he had you feel like he is so nice that he can get any woman and so now you have to cook for him while he doesn't pay for his part in it. Big big red flag to me at that point.
It's wrong of him to let boundaries trespassed like that. Because if you two don't know each other yet, this boundary should be there about paying 50/50. This is how things will most likely be constructive in future, with maintaining good boundaries. He doesn't respect this boundary, sure it may be a genuine mistake but I just don't know if he's better than the average man. It gives me a red flag.
Also he has been acting nice so far. Sure, 6 dates, easy to keep acting nice. But if you ever do anything that he doesn't like, check out how he behaves then. That will tell you far more about him.
Overall, I don't know how old you are, but you said you never had more than 2-3 dates with a man before. That means you don't really know a lot about long-term romantic relationships yet and your gut feelings are not working about them yet, and you do not yet have much objective understanding of how things go in these relationships. (This is not a personal criticism! I'm not trying to offend) I recommend remaining down to earth and not jump into intense feelings while you build up experience. This is nothing personal here but I know how hard it can be if you get burned without experience.
One more piece of input. I noticed in one of your posts something about how he was reassuring you about your self-esteem or the like. That made me feel like, this is also part of being unexperienced in relationships. I don't know his intentions but you've likely been very open with him fast in a way it can make you vulnerable to people with bad intentions. It's best to avoid doing so, opening up so fast to someone you don't know any tangible facts about. Again I suggest you stop and give it attention and think a bit about how you ended up telling him all that. It is again one of the biggest red flags to me here.
All in all. What you are doing here is taking a risk by believing his words and not having the tangible facts about his actual background. You are taking a big risk emotionally and possibly otherwise too. It is like Russian roulette. He may actually be a good man or he may not be a good man at all. So it's a roulette, a lottery, where you are gambling with your deepest and most vulnerable emotions and possibly with your money etc as well.
And, I don't think there is a high chance that you ended up in a good relationship with a good guy if you haven't yet figured out what made abusive men find you. This man could be a more subtle version of the abusive, manipulative type. This is why I also feel like there are red flags here.
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Sorry if I sound negative. I was heavily traumatised before by a manipulative guy. I was hit very bad. I don't think I'd like to see that happen to anyone else.
I wish you luck in any case!
I don't think I will be responding in this thread again as I have nothing more to add.
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Thank you for your insight. I understand your feelings about my situation. I was also abused in my last marriage and was wary of men. Being in an abusive situation really jades your perspective and makes all other situations with potential partners difficult. I come from an abusive family ended up in an abusive marriage but got out in one piece with just the clothes on my back. I know about the American culture of going 50/50 but this is just dating etiquette, not something that I follow since I was brought up in a cocoon of male chauvinism and male dominance. I have tried to be more feminist about my life but I'm more traditional and am not going to worry for now about going 50/50 when we are still getting to know each other. I know what I'm doing. I think after awhile if he always expects me to pay for everything then I will point this out. So far he offers to pay. I am not counting pennies and dollars for now. I am not rich by all means but am not so poor where I need the money from another to pay for meals. I understand that he could be married and giving me a fake name. I am taking a chance. Don't we all take a chance when dating someone? I feel comfortable with him. He is old-fashioned and very classy. I like his character and style so far. Yes, I don't know how he will be if he got angry but it is not in my character to find out by provoking him. He is quite a calm man. He does not anger easily so far from my mistakes I made. He is quite understanding so far. Yes, I know he could have a past but so do I. I have not always been stable and am doing well now but it has not always been this way for me. So, may be, we both have baggage. I accept him the way he is. IF I later find out he is lying to me about his situation, I will let him go. BUT, so far, he seems to be telling me the truth. So, I feel fine about him. IF I do find out, he is not who he says he is, yes, by all means I will let him go. BUT, he seems to be coming to meet me every chance he has. I do feel flattered by his attention. He could be living with another woman, yes. But, for me, I enjoy his company. So, for now, I believe him and his story. IF he does anything out of the ordinary to hurt me, I will let him go. Yes, I've been abused before but he does not seem manipulative to me nor abusive. He lets me make my own decisions and lets me do what I want. Yes, I like him a lot for now. BUT, if I see something wrong with his situation and his story of telling me otherwise, I will let him go. So far, I feel good about him. So, thank you for sharing your insight and your concerns. I am not blinded by infatuation or anything but base my feelings on how he treats me. He treats me well and better than the other men I have met. Yes, he could be still acting nice still. I don't know him that well and he does not know me that well either. So, we both are taking chances. We shall see what lies ahead.