I am having self injury dreams pretty much every night. All the same relative context. I’m injuring myself, someone may or may not be trying to stop me, im doing it anyway while still hoping that someone WILL stop me. I guess it stems from feeling out of control of my emotions at the present time. I hate it though because it lingers all day and then I do want to injure myself.

I was extremely depressed the whole weekend. Yesterday I could barely move. I did the dishes and put the blankets in the wash and that’s about it. After RS came home from fishing he sat with me and gently prodded me to go on a short walk. In an effort to make him happy and also knowing I probably should, I went out with him. Just the small .25 mile loop. But at least I went out. I’m going to try to drag myself out today too.

I have to call our ceremony venue. It is not a super popular venue, especially in the fall when we plan to get married. But I’d still like to book it so it’s there. That way I can ask my friend to photograph the wedding and I can also send out save the dates, although we’re only inviting 15 people. We could easily just tell them but it’s nice to have something tangible to hold on to. We can also look for an officiant. We’re not religious so we want a secular officiant.

See, we weren’t going to get married until next spring but I just don’t want to wait that long. Then RS realized that Oct 16 is on a Saturday and that is his beloved late grandmother’s birthday. She died of cancer 12 years ago and he’s said that the sudden death really affected him and turned him rather bitter right up until he met me. So it’s significant for him.