There are lots of things that can contribute to having challenges when it comes to relating to another person. It’s not as black and white as many prefer to use labels to make it easier to decide that a relationship challenge is the other person’s fault.

Getting into a competition with another person is something that typically spells doom for the relationship be it a coworker or boss or friend or family member or marriage partner. Once there is a battle involving personal self esteem it tends to result in both individuals not getting heard or actually experiencing a positive.

I know for myself that I have faced some individuals in my own life that have presented me with challenges that deeply affected me. I even have a thread that I started in this forum called “The Elephant in the relationship”. I have definitely been affected by individuals that developed alcoholism and I had to learn about that challenge to understand what I was dealing with. I also had to learn how that challenge tended to prevent that individual from maturing properly and how they used alcohol as an escape and coping aide so the communication was constantly challenged.

Yet I have also learned to respect the challenge an individual experiences when they realize how their addiction is ruining their life and make an effort to get sober and learn how to face challenges instead of using to cope or escape. Also having lots of friends that drink and party and often have problems is not really having lots of friends. Instead it’s basically being in a group of enablers. They are the ones that will keep your bar stool warm but it’s often more about enabling each other than being a true friend. Same thing when in a relationship where both have a problem. “He/she made me do it” is a cop out because IT IS A CHOICE. I have seen too many now that use the term toxic and abuser and yet do not admit that they themselves have a problem. And often they use this problem and the “oh poor me” as an excuse to ENABLE them to continue to abuse alcohol themselves.

I have seen people hit bottom and decide to get help. I have seen them stand up and state their name and announce they are an alcoholic. I have seen them be brave and reach out to others who will ENABLE them to get SOBER and learn how to finally grow up and face life without running to the alcohol. And they all know IT IS HARD. They learn to have different kinds of friends and have SOBER gatherings and they learn to walk away from the enablers that tend to have their regular hangouts.

I know that it is easier to just have a label. Yet often there is more involved than just a label. We cannot expect others to know our needs and tip toe around us. I know that can be hard as I often have wished others would understand my challenge. I am learning though that the person who needs to understand it the most is “me”. And I also know that is NOT easy.

I have learned how there are certain individuals that are not healthy for me to be around. I have been slowly learning why. There are certain types of individuals that are not healthy for me and I can’t expect THEM to admit their bad behaviors. Instead the best thing to do is distance as much as possible.

I myself struggle and there is a label for what I have PTSD. It’s taken me a lot of time to understand it. It’s been a lot of work to manage. I can be sensitive and it’s the nature of the challenge. Also lots of people have no idea what it means and may not be respectful. It doesn’t mean an automatic toxic or abuser. Truth is people simply do not know and it may be too complicated for them to tip toe around me because I can be sensitive.