Yesterday in T, I kept saying the silence in the room was to much for me. Then T continued to sit silent and my rage grew and grew to in the end I numbed out. I nearly fell asleep I was so numb, and then I had to put a part of me away safe within me to protect her from what??? from the silence? Before I had completely numbed out I told T I didn't want her to keep looking at me and why doesn't she sit and write or do smething, but dont look at me. T said she wasn't looking at me all the time and if she were to start to do something else to take the attention away from me, then I'd not want that either. I could feel myself going into GGGGRRRRRR mode and then I held my hands to the side of my head and said "stop it what are you doing to me" the more she sat and stared the more oppressed I felt until as I say I "went away".

Last night in bed I kept remembering the frustration I felt at the silence and felt so split inside and was crying in agony. T became "bad" T I needed to have her "reach" me yesterday badly, but this was a normal session so why the silence yesterday effected me so I don't know.

I did start the session of saying over the wkend I was very aware of "missing" something and how normally I fill that "missing" up with addictive behaviours and that this time I didn't want to fill it up, to which T replied, Didn't want too or couldnt? That surprised me and I said, oh I dont know.

I dont want to remember how that pain inside felt yesterday in that silence in the room, it was awful and Its like I dont want to even have to explore it with T on friday because I will lget angry again and I dont want to be angry, I hate the way anger feels!!!!!! GGGRRR