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Originally Posted by eskielover
I tend to agree with this probably only because I am still being messed up by the STUPID choices my now EX has made that are still screwing up my life financially & I have been divorced 3 years now though the marriage assets were never resolved in the still pending court case.
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Yes. When the damage is long lasting, you can't just forget about it quickly. It's a lesson learned for life.
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I actually had an interesting & civil conversation. With him 3 years ago when I was there for the court hearing. Civil but my concept of him making STUPID choices has never been changed only reinforced. You can be civil & still dislike their behavior & everything still reinforce that being outtake the marriage was a very WISE decision. Lol....I can be civil to people I don't even like & my EX is an example of that though before I left 14 years ago all I saw was literally RED when I had to deal with him.
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I can be civil to people even when I'm angry inside. With well-controlled anger this is easy enough to do. I would think that kind of civility is very different from being outright nice and kind and well-wishing.
With people with bad behaviour patterns (abuser or not), they could have their bad, harmful past behaviours reinforced if you act too nice and kind with them. This is independent of whether they intentionally want to be reinforced about them or not. Could be a totally unintentional and automatic effect.
Also, acting nice, kind, well-wishing in my opinion poses a risk for keeping proper, distant enough boundaries and protecting from further harm.
To guys, kindness could even inadvertently send a message that you are still open to something with them. It's not direct enough for many guys. (I'm not talking about your husband, he's already learned over the years that you are NOT coming back)
Oh and you only seeing RED...familiar to me, ha ha, I had that phase myself with such people. I get what you mean. It feels great when you become able to control that anger and are able to behaviours that are constructive for your goals and maintain healthy boundaries and all that, despite feeling angry.
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It was kinda entertaining when I went back, I found out from him that in his arrogant mind when I left 14 years ago, he was sure I would come back to him in 2 years. Like he thought I was having a mid life crisis or something. He said when I didn't come back in 2 years he guessed he did have something to do with my leaving. Ya think!!!! Just proved that he really NEVER heard any of the things I said was wrong in the marriage & thought by magic the problems would disappear because we weren't together. Some people are fools & will be fools all their life...in his case, even with a PDOC & therapy.
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Ha ha ha good. I've wondered before if the guy I did the No Contact with figured out eventually that I was just not going to come back.
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It is nice to end things on a positive note but he is going to have a rude awakening still because of his poor choices & a contempt charge is nothing to be messed around with in his case. There comes a point where the consequences of his poor choices are going to smack him over the head & given all the crap I have dealt with, I feel no guilt in making it happen.....while I seriously love my life & the community I live in but he has tied my hands financially as long as I am willing to tolerate.
Be glad you never owned a house together.
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Yeah sounds like a lot of pain in the ****** with him. Good luck with dealing with him.