A large majority of my life has been spent trying to fit in and make friends. I’ve been fortunate where I’ve had at least 1 friend throughout life. But they always end up leaving. My school years were spent school hopping because I couldn’t fit in anywhere. I find when I hide myself and be as plain as possible and shy I’m well liked. But then I guess my personality shows through and people have often times made me a social outcast.

Currently I have some people who are somewhat friends, but it’s come to a point where I actually prefer to be alone come the day I have plans with those friends. I crave having friends yet at the same time I’d rather be home in bed. COVID never really affected me cause I already lived a life of loneliness to a large degree and not interacting with people so much was actually nice for me.

Part of me obviously feels sad that I’m such a social awkward person. When I do make new friends I always worry that they’ll think I’m weird or something negative. Many times I find that I’m the glue for the friendship or were only hanging out cause of my constant effort. Many times I’ve put in less effort to find that I was the reason we hung out cause the other person doesn’t find it worth the effort. In the past year and a half I’ve seen my group do 4 friends 7+ year friends dwindle down to 1 and it makes me sad. I have made a serious effort in the last year to make new friends and I have made a couple somewhat friends who I hangout with on occasion. I just fear that this isn’t anything that will actually last or they’ll lose interest like so many seem to do (to be fair, sometimes I show a lack of interest as well).

I just feel so worn out trying so hard for people to like me, for me to have friends, like I feel like I’ll never really be the type who has more than 1-2 or so friends. Like no one really sees me as their best friend ive always been made to feel second fiddle to whomever.

Back in HS I thought wow I can’t wait till I’m 25 life will be so different and I’m 25ish and life is the same as HS when I would be alone in my room watching tv sad. Except over time that sadness has turned less sad and more into “Ok. Well this isn’t that bad.”

Anyone relate? What’s your experience with loneliness? Comments, thoughts etc? Have you come to become like me where the loneliness has become “eh whatever. It’s not that bad actually”, like it has for me?