When I was 5, my father had been in his final stages of severe alcoholism. He was verbally abusive to myself and my mother. If i did something wrong I was punished by the belt (buckle end). It was like i was the cause of his rage, being hit until my crying was uncontrollable. I believe that is when I created the distracted child personality , to help me absorb out the hard words and the constant unwarranted spankings with no memory of them until very recently. I also have the Persecutor Personality that helps me keep my rage inside and keeps me from extending my fears and anger towards others. I also have the other common personality which is the Protector personality. However, as I am now 28, my personalities are all maturing on their own, except for my distracted child personality. Every time I watch some crazy tv movie where the child on the movies is abused in some way, I actually feel fear. I haven't been abused in any way since i was around 8 years old, that is when my father committed suicide. That was the hardest abuse to try to absorb. Since then my life has been difficult and there have been many instances where I have had memory loss, some small blackouts of time. When i was a teenager, like many people with Dissociative Disorder, I entered into substance abuse. It helped me cope for a while, I suffered with depression, never suicide though. The scariest thing is that My Primary personality was not affected by my substance abuse, One of the other's took over during that time and absorbed all the pain, most of the memories and events that took place. I sometimes talk to my sister about these times and she says remember when you did this or did that? and I will say, nope, i dont remember a thing. 4 years are Missing from my life but Im glad they are missing, because I caused so much distress to my family during that time. I eventually decided enough was enough I guess, Out of nowhere, I up and moved back to california, barely remembering Phoenix, I started a job where i excelled, I started my life over, I got a better job, I got married, I bought a house, I now have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. I have been keeping my demons in check now for 4 years. I take no medication, I do however do constructive things. I meditate, I have a garden, I hit a punching bag. and I love my family. I hope im not the only one who has suffered and come out of it ok. I dont even know why im writing this here. This is the first time I have talked to anyone about this, not even my wife, but i feel a huge relief coming on. Thank you, whoever you may be for listening to me.