I did this for three years. Burned out about it by now, i.e. I would no longer be able to do this, and wouldn't want to either, but my symptoms also got better after I decided not to do this anymore, so it's also luck that I didn't burn out sooner before they got better. Or maybe it's also due to my decision. I did also quit the work that was simply just too hard (and they didn't pay enough for how hard it was) and found better work. A better sleep schedule and emotions processing of the trauma stuff has also helped.

Do decide how long you want to abuse yourself like this...I did it for three years, looking back I cannot tell if it was worth it or not*. I frankly don't think it's an excuse if one decides to stop abusing oneself (I'm not referring to the self-harm with that). It's not failure. Any chance you can rest and recover for another full year before you try doing exams? Just give yourself more time overall with becoming functioning again (that IS very familiar an issue to me).

I do think the tricky part is to hit that sweet spot: not doing too little, but also not trying to do/doing too much to recover. Like, if you do nothing, then that can hinder recovery too. I did always think that me forcing myself to do things did help me survive. But overdoing stress will also hinder the recovery, makes it harder/slower. I don't think I ever really hit the sweet spot. I am still trying to. At least I've made it all a lot more tolerable by now.

Hope some of this helped.



*: When I say I cannot tell if it was worth it. I'm proud of myself and all that that I've pulled through, proud of what I've achieved, but I'm still evaluating any long term consequences of it (as there have been consequences of me doing this for 3 years, maybe both good and bad though) and I know that I would not wish all these 3 years on my worst enemy either. What I do know is that what I was doing for 3 years was FAR from optimal, but since I received no expert help that was what I could do. I do know that I do not recommend it to anyone else because it's involved torture rather than just healing, even if I've worked hard on healing too.

I do know that if I had realised sooner that I could give myself more time on some of the stuff, etc etc, it'd have been more optimal without losing any benefits/advantages, and would still have achieved what I set out to achieve. But I'm still evaluating long term consequences, both the good and the bad, so no final conclusion on that one. But. If I had known how bad these 3 years were going to be, I'd not have started on it, of course.



PS: You say... "never know when also with the dissociation I never know when". Yeah, I also never know when I'll be functional or just dissociated. Biggest part of the stress that's still here for me. Impossible to plan properly with that.