The government tried to force my hand to quit nicotine by banning my juul pods from the state and then banning the shipment of them to my state. I may have mentioned this. So I tried but by today, day five, I was like NOPE CAN’T DO IT. I got the regular pods out of desperation. Honestly the thing is I don’t think this is a good time. I’ll never be able to know if my mood symptoms are hormonal, nicotine withdrawal, or just my brain acting up. I’m in the beginning of adding a new med, i won’t know if it’s helping or not. I DEFINITELY want to quit, I really really do. But I think it’s best if I get more stable first and I’m stronger mentally so I can fight the psychological withdrawal symptoms that come with it.

It’s 1:37am. I’ve taken 100mg of seroquel but um...yeah. Nothing. But I was all swept up in wedding things (ordered save the dates!). And then I just got to thinking about my life and I just had to come out and journal yo get it out. I won’t go into the whole thing here but the basic outline is I believe I have been severely punishing myself for being “bad” and “shameful”. I believe I’ve been this way since I was very little.

I think I see now that the main person in this whole mess I need to forgive is myself. Now just doing it..,