I also have BPD. When I feel the push/pull feelings, I recognize them and try to remind myself that I don't want either. I don't want to push L away because I love her and need her. And I don't want to be clingy because she can't meet all my needs and it will feel like rejection. So what I do is I tell her I'm feeling the push/pull. Then together we process it, try to figure out why that's being triggered, and how to understand and hopefully soothe those parts of me.

I don't think your T is doing anything wrong per se. It sounds like he feels stuck, not knowing what's best for you.

Are you doing any skill based techniques? Like DBT or CBT? Or are you simply doing talk therapy? It sounds like you need to build up your skills before diving into processing. If you don't think you have enough skills, then maybe suggest that to your T. Maybe even bring in a workbook and you two can work on it together. The skills do help.

L and I are mostly processing now, but we still work on skills. She has taught me a number of things that do help. But she says that if I didn't learn enough skills from T, she probably wouldn't be the right fit for me right now.

And that might be the case with your situation. I'm not saying you or your T are "bad" or wrong. Just maybe he's not the right fit. Maybe he doesn't meet what you need right now. And that's okay.

I know because of attachments this might be hard to not only hear, but to do: maybe find a new T one that's skill based. And then go back to your T when you're ready. Another possibility might be to join a DBT support group. I did that when I was seeing T. It helped.

It just seems like both you and your T are stuck in your patterns. In order to move forward, something has got to give.