I am seeing a therapist and pdoc for my own issues. And I will consider marital counseling eventually - for now, I think we need to just work on me.

I realize that my illness is probably - ok definitely - a major reason for our marital problems. This would be another area where I think Borderline fits me - the extreme idealization and devaluation. Some days I love him more than anything in the world, like when he does something unexpectedly nice for me or says something nice to me. But then other days I hate him, and I'm planning our divorce. There's really no in-between for me.

But then I keep thinking, if I really loved him, why would I choose to cheat on him? While the illness may have caused the impulsivity that allowed me to make that choice...it was still a choice. I am still accountable. I feel bad for how I treated my husband but yet I did it again and again. It's no wonder he doesn't want me, right?

We never should have got married in the first place, but back before my daughter was born, I was too chicken to actually leave. I think I was just afraid of being alone (fear of abandonment?!) and I thought no one else would want me, so he was as "good as it gets" for me. Now we have a child, and I really want the best for her. If that means sacrificing my intimacy so she can have two loving parents, then that's what I have to do.

We do get along. We rarely fight, and I make a point not to raise my voice with our daughter awake. We have fun together as a family - all three of us. Seriously, the only thing missing is the intimacy. He never even hugs me, holds my hand, any of that anymore. I try to cuddle with him and he'll put a bag of chips on the sofa between us. I try to get him to come to bed early and he says "just one more episode" of Law & Order reruns but then he's up till midnight and I fall asleep.

I keep blaming it on my weight, but I'm finally starting to accept that I can be sexy even at 180 pounds. He just doesn't seem to see that. I hope I can lose more, but it's hard.

I think I just want to live in a fairy tale. Shrek, in particular. That part at the end of the first Shrek - when she was supposed to be changed into a princess, but she was still an ogre. She says "but I'm supposed to be beautiful" and Shrek says "But you ARE beautiful!" That's what I want. I want my husband to love me for ME, regardless of my weight. And if he doesn't love me, I want him to tell me so I can quit feeling so rejected and confused and unwanted.

Talking to myself here...sorry for rambling so long.