Don't get me wrong, please- I do care for my husband. He's a gentle man... something I haven't experienced in a marriage or serious relationship, before. We've only been married for 5 long years, now.

But I'm so torn, right now. I'm so grateful that he isn't like the abusive partners I've had, so the last thing I want to do is hurt him. But I honestly can't live like this anymore. It's torn me to shreds, already. And yet- I don't trust my own judgement. Is this a 'grass is greener' type thing or is it a 'I deserve to be happy' thing??

I've wanted a divorce for the past 4 years, now. I just haven't filed, yet. Now, we've actually taken some steps toward divorce.. and now I'm scared.

I fell out of love with him some time after he stopped showing affection. Since then, the idea of having sexual relations with him has always repulsed me because I began seeing him as a 'brother' instead of my husband. It just evolved that way and I know I can't turn it back, now.

I've tried to change my thinking. Actually- I tried everything. Divorce is imminent. It's been like this for the past 4 years. There are many other marital problems, as well. We can't afford counciling and I've tried communication all this time. Everytime I've sunk, I've explained so rationally and pleadingly. He'd improve for maybe a week... then back to his old self again.

It's affected me drastically. Deep depressions, self loathing, etc... my interraction with the kids has also suffered. I'm very short with them, anymore. My house is a friggen mess because I find constant solace and companionship in this damned computer.

I know I'll be able to find the love I deserve, but I feel so broken, now. I question myself constantly. He doesn't harm me, but he doesn't nurture me, either.

Yes- I'm definately afraid of future relationship failures. It scares me to death... I know I won't be able to deal with any more stress. Maybe it's the divorce, itself that scares me? Being even more alone than I am now, if that's possible? Maybe it's the fact that he's my 3rd serious relationship? The third father of my children? I really don't want to continue this cycle!

My mind is so tired and I feel so weak, anymore. Figuratively and literally.

I just wish I had my own panel to tell me whether to stay or go. I wish I could turn back time. I'm so very lost. I really need someone to understand.