Brief back story to why I saw him yesterday: we have been figuring out when to try face to face, and I had suggested 26th May and he said he would prefer 2nd June as he has visitors on 26th May. This induced some shame in me and made me feel I shouldn't see him via zoom on 26th May either.

So I said to him last week that I couldn't see him tomorrow (Wed). He said he wished we had put some time aside to talk about it and make it feel okay for me to see him. I said could I see him on Mon (yesterday) to talk about it. He said yes.

So yesterday I decided to tell him the uncomfortable things that I don't normally say because I am scared of jeopardising things. eg that I sometimes feel confused and like he sends mixed signals. Sometimes I feel like his child, sometimes he acts like I am, and sometimes he sends me a message that suggests to me that he very much doesn't see me that way (I said all of this with the caveat that I KNOW that I'm not his child and these are just feelings from one part of me, but real feelings nonetheless.

We talked about it. I felt like he wasn't being curious about what I was feeling. I kept saying i was feeling "things" and he didn't even ask what. He said that's because he is getting too wrapped up in process and not what is happening here and now. I said that it is easy as a client to feel objectified, like a curiosity rather than someone with real here and now feelings that need attending to.

I can't remember what was said next but at one point he said that occasionally he gets in a muddle about our relationship and this is one of those times. He said he thinks sometimes the fact we get on so well distracts us from the work. He said he notices that even though we are discussing hard stuff, we are occasionally smiling and it is because we like each other's company so much.

I said what is it distracting us from? What are we not doing? He said preparing to go back to face to face. I said why do I feel no urgency to prepare yet you do? I can't remember how he answered that. I feel like he feels everything has to be perfect for face to face. That's why he didn't want me there on a day there is visitors (he never would have said that pre covid) and he even said a few weeks ago that he is anxious that everything won't be exactly how I remember. But I really don't care if it isn't. I just want to see him.

At one point I said "our relationship is weird" and he said "it is unusual". I think we need to talk more about what we mean by that and I have it on the agenda for next session.

We talked about how only Zoom T feels real to me, I don't remember actual T so well, so I will miss Zoom T.

Towards the end of the session I said to my T "I wish I were your child" which I have never said to him before.i don't know what I mean by it. I don't think I wish I was raised by him. I think it's more about my needs now, and not feeling like I have enough of him now. I also told him I wished he could say that he wishes that too.

I am seeing him again tomorrow.