Quote:
Originally Posted by poshgirl
A former work colleague had a good way to explain the perils of assumption. "Assume - makes an *** of u and me". How true!
Who we are isn't always because of how we were brought up, although it can be a large contributing factor. There are plenty of other influences on our personalities, actions, beliefs. Often it's assumed (that word again) by family members that we will be exactly as they are in behaviour, ego, self esteem, negative outlook. Described as family traits. The positive ones are good to have, the negative can either be accepted or rejected. Alas, sometimes just calmly discussing another's viewpoint doesn't give positive results.
As we become adults, we often question unacceptable behaviours especially if they emanate from family, partner or a good friend. We may then have to make a difficult decision on which path to take. We are individuals, everyone else is taken.
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I don't know if assumptions are ever made consciously by people. Everyone operates from templates, schemas, stereotypes, etc. from their previous experiences. It's natural if these sometimes don't match the actual situation/what the other person had in mind/their actual intention or attitude. I don't think anyone exists who always avoids mistakes like that. Mindreading isn't humanly possible anyway. If in doubt, ask for clarification. Or if the other person signals to you that something is off with your assumptions of them. This can be part of calmly talking it out for sure. Once it's clear there is a need to talk something out, then I personally always want to keep it level-headed and keep boundaries and so I always want to talk it out one on one because public arguing is guaranteed to make things worse, make emotions run away and create drama and more misunderstandings. Or in a personal, close relationship I like it if there is time to think things through, to get our minds relaxed and our emotions processed.
Also, the assumptions people make, there are neutral and less neutral ones to me personally. Neutral ones are easier to sort out. But for example, sometimes people assume that you have a bad intention or attitude for no reason, and I really just don't like that kind of assumption and quick judgment. I just like to talk it out drama free instead. Probably because I had some bad relationships where people liked to try and manipulate me with that (but then it's no longer even just an assumption, then it's called a manipulation rather than a mistaken assumption). Though luckily, most people do not do it to manipulate you, in many cases this kind of assumption can just be the result of a bad mood or from a trigger experienced by the other person, etc.
You also mention questioning unacceptable behaviours. I read this once: what we see as unacceptable behaviour is often when it breaks - or seems to break - an unsaid rule of our own. We are responsible for making the rule known to others before assuming (!) that they already know or should know about this rule. I really liked that idea. And, we sometimes have to get aware of the rule ourselves first before we can even communicate it to others.