I’m not sure, but I can sympathise to a degree - my dad has (until very recently) had a habit of spoiling family occasions - if he didn’t spoil or even ruin the event itself because he wasn’t there, we would come back home to some overblown (or fake) crisis. Every time! I’m not sure about what he has going on mentally and I’m not going to speculate, but he was an alcoholic and had narcissistic traits. Probably doesn’t help you, though, but either way I’m sorry you have to deal with this, and I agree strongly with your husband about not telling her your plans.