Again, he is going on a trip this weekend. Since I am tired, I am for some reason relieved about this. I miss him but at the same time am relieved I can be on my own. I like him a lot but don't want to be with him all of the time. I need my space. So, I am looking forward to spending time alone again. I have much to do- housework, some work for my job, and shopping for food. I am really tired since I take my med in the morning to take a nap. Then, I am sleepy the whole day. These days, I am very stable although tired. So, it is a trade off to be stable than energized and unstable. I wish In could be energized though. I will try to build my stamina by walking more. The weather here is horrible- rainy and windy. So, I will just walk up the stairs, I guess.

He is doing well and is happy. I am happy for him. He is always upbeat.

I am trying to take care of myself first though while I am alone. I need to do more self-care. I want to lose some weight and be in better shape for myself and my health.

My job is going well too. I am able to focus better now. But, it is like a hobby, not a career. So, I like earning money but am not too focused on earning more but just surviving and enjoying life.

Overall, I am doing well. Thank goodness!! I am grateful for my current life and health although I wish I could feel more peppier. Life is not bad. Having a nice man in my life now has improved my lifestyle. I cook now and keep my apartment cleaner. I also am trying to be healthier. So, some good is coming out of having a man in my life.

I feel blessed overall. My parents are still alive but in another country far away. However, they are having physical problems but are surviving. I know they can no longer care for me. So, I must take it upon myself to take care of myself.

My brother tells me it is dirty to be with another person. He is nuttier than I am. So, I just take what he says lightly. He has obsessive compulsive personality disorder that is leaning towards excessive worry about germs. He wears a double mask although working outside and washes himself excessively. I feel bad about him. He is single and has no kids. He is older than I am. He has never been married. He keeps losing his jobs also since he is a perfectionist and can't keep time and make deadlines. Working with him drives everybody nuts. I don't know what I can do to help him. But, he is a loner and does not talk to people. So, he tells me I am dirty for being with another person. The nonsense I have to listen to when I talk to him is sad. It could be funny at times but for him he is serious about being clean.

My mother is also paranoid about people. She says I should trust no one. So, my life was a living hell since she was not a parent to me but a very scared individual who always said bad things about others.

My father is a workaholic. He is still working. He will drop dead at work, I believe.

So, my family is very dysfunctional. I am working and doing ok. I am trying to make friends even at my age. And, I am trying to take care of myself and not blame anybody for my problems. I think I am doing pretty well despite my sad and horrible upbringing. I love life. My new man is also an added blessing. He is really nice and good to me still. I am happy about him. I am also happy and grateful for what I have. Life could have been worse. I was on the streets once and am now doing well. Time and perseverance can drastically improve a person's life. I sometimes think I could be still homeless and psychotic. But, I chose to be stable and live life fully.

I feel that sometimes instead of blaming others for my failures to try and analyze my failures and take responsibility for them. It is hard for me to do. But, I feel to make progress and survive, I had to stop blaming my family for my life's problems and realize I am an adult now that I must carry on with what God gave me and do the best I can. I learned this from watching others. Yes, I did things that caused me much sadness in my life. But, I take responsibility for these mistakes and tried to learn from them. So, I hope that I don't fall into the trap of being abused again by others. I have had enough abuse. Now, is the time to enjoy my life, cherish my blessings, and be happy.

I am happy now! I think I was happy without a man too. So, I believe that my new man is added happiness. He gives me meaning to share my life with others. Since I have been stable for awhile now, I am ready to make more friendships and relationships with others. Truthfully, I am happy alone too. So, my new man is fun to be with when I seek companionship. I am happy that he likes me as well. Life does get better with time. For me, as I age, I am happier.