Thanks all, I definitely don't want to get into another major episode. My recent episodes have been some of the worst of my life. They used to be shorter and less severe. For example my depressions used to last about 2 months or so, not years. My (hypo)manias used to be up to 2 weeks, and weren't severe enough to require hospitalization. In fact, in some cases I think they gave me an energy and creativity that may have actually helped me. In between episodes I was often fine for several months. I wasn't on any meds back then. My dream is that I could go back to that situation.

I don't know how much of the increased severity of my bipolar is caused by stress, and how much of it is caused by the illness getting worse with age... I'm still working, although I've been on medical leave for quite a while now due to this last episode. I'm currently gradually returning to work. I'm in a good position financially, and my house is paid off. I don't have any other debts, so in a few years from now I don't expect to need much income, only enough to pay for food, utilities, and such, which means that it should be possible to have a relatively stress-free life (I hope). Most of my stress right now comes from my young children, honestly, and the lack of sleep they cause. My hope is that that will improve over the years as well. That's when I was thinking I might try going off meds, but maybe it's just a pipe dream...

I'm aware that according to kindling theory, once you've had episodes this severe they're unlikely to go away on their own, so maybe it's impossible to go back to the way things were. It's odd how strong the longing is to go back to having episodes that are "only" a few weeks/months in duration. They certainly didn't feel like something to wish for back then.