Hey,

Since I always felt like depressive episodes took what I would call liveliness I finally found the word that would describe the whole thing a lot better:
Apathy.

I don't really feel anything towards people or activities anymore. Or rarely do. Most of the time I just sit down do what I do but never feel invested emotionally towards what I am doing.
That used to be different. I used to get fired up and curious about people or hobbies even when I was in a mild to servere depressive episode. Not even shows or movies are doing anything for me.

For 4 years now I have just been half hearted with zero energy nor ambition. It good worse and worse over these years and now it is mostly nothing.
At the beginning I kind of gave in to the nothingness and only did what I had to do during the day.
Now I at least try to keep a certain discipline throughout the day so that I still invest time into hobbies, family or friends. But it is challenging to really get into a conversation or get into a flow when you are not feeling anything while doing it.

I am on antidepressants but they just keep the low moods in check. Getting a therapist is out of the question for me at the moment, at least until march 2022.(health insurance policies).

Does anyone know what is happening to me or knows how to get back to a more normal emotional state?